Trust you are keeping safe, with the second wave of COVID
We are back with Season 2. Happy New Year everyone and Happy Valentine’s Day
Today’s episode is titled ‘Dear Future Husband’ and for the very first time I will posting the written article as well. But first, let’s put up the link to the episode incase you would prefer to listen than read
S2 EP 11 – Vulnerability – Hangout With Chels
Please ensure you click the link and listen, now to the main article
Dear Future husband,
I am blank, for someone who has so much to write about, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know where to start from, sometimes I think time is passing me by, sometimes I wonder if you would ever come, sometimes I feel like I am not even ready for this journey with you, sometimes I am envious of those already walking this path, sometimes I want someone to call mine, sometimes I wonder if I would be able to be vulnerable with you, sometimes I wonder if I would be able to share my space with you, tell you my secrets, show you all the different parts of me, sometimes I feel like I am ready, sometimes I am scared, sometimes I feel so pressured to be married, sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel so unloved, undeserving of love and incomplete especially when I love someone and they don’t love me back, sometimes it seems like my life is on pause like I am waiting for something or someone to kick start me, sometimes I don’t think about getting married at all, sometimes that’s all that is on my mind, sometimes I day dream about you.
I wonder how you would look like; Sometimes I wonder what you are doing at this exact moment. Are you on the other side of the world or are you close to me? What are you feeling right now? What is going through your mind? Would I know it was you when we meet, I wonder if we would fit seamlessly into each other’s lives and routines, if we would be the ideal couple. I wonder if I am making a mistake sticking to my standards, maybe they are too high a standard, maybe I need to lower them just so I fit in, I wonder if I won’t have regrets down the line. You know how they say a woman is like a flower and has a time when she is supposed to bloom after which she wilts, sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were not married at what is deemed the marriageable age. I wonder if I am too sensitive, too much of an over thinker, too different, too much of an introvert, too much of a loner, too much of this and too much of that
I pray for you sometimes not every day, I pray that you love God and continue to walk in His ways, I pray that you walk in purpose, I pray that you prosper, and I pray for your family too. But most importantly I pray that when we meet, I am whole because sometimes I feel so broken, sometimes I don’t see this strength that others see in me, sometimes I just want someone to share the load with, sometimes I just want someone to talk with, other times I just feel stuck. I wonder if you would love me if you knew all of me. I think Dear Future Husband that is what I fear the most that you wouldn’t love me if you knew all of me and this need to be loved has led to some bad choices. I know Abba loves me, I see it in how He shows up for me, I see it in how even with all the bad choices that I have made, He still forgives me, He still calls me his own, I am still the Beloved of Abba. I see it in all the people He sends my way, but I get scared that they would leave someday, others have left so what’s stopping them from leaving too, I get scared that they would get tired of loving me and I try so hard to hold on to the relationships and friendships, fleeting though they might be just because it is convenient to do so, just so I didn’t expose my heart to more pain that comes with opening up afresh.
There has been a God-shaped void in my life, and I have constantly sought for a human being to fill this void, asking from people what they were not built to offer. This year, It was supposed to be my IT year, it was the year I was going to do better, live better, love better, be more open, walk closely with Abba, communicate better with Abba, I was going to chase my goals with such single-minded passion but here I am in February lethargic, exhausted from trying, tired of people having to leave, tired from the mental struggle, from the unintentional pressures, from the barbed words, I am tired, only gathering up strength for work and facing burn-out every day, my walk with Abba suffers and somedays it’s hard to pray, it’s hard to form the words, it’s hard to study my Bible, to read a devotional, to do anything other than wake up, work and sleep, merely existing. I was reading something on IG the other day and it mentioned something about measuring the goodness or performance of God using the metrics of the world and it struck me that this was what I have been doing for a very long time, gauging the goodness of God based on how well things were working in my life materially, on promotions, on how great my relationships were, on a marriage proposal, not like those things were not important or were not Abba’s blessings to His beloved, but if I did not have them at a particular timing, at my own desired timing, it did not mean that God was not blessing me.
I find that things take time to settle into my consciousness dear future husband, that I have to be told over and again before I believe, that actions speak louder than words, that I take words at face value because people have said so many things, made so many promises and not kept to them. I have so many walls built up to shield myself from pain and you know what hurts the most is that when I painstakingly take down these walls, they still leave. I have questioned my self-worth, wondered what it was about me that was so unlovable, wondered if I had to look and be a certain way, act a certain kind to be loved and accepted. You know what amazes me is that despite all these is that I still love, I still have hope. What I have found out in all of these, is that I am not ready in the ways that matter, that although I grow older, I am not ready yet, I still have thick walls, I am still not secure in my identity, I still crave acceptance and validation, I am a long way from the kind of relationship I want with Abba, that I am still a work in progress and there is still so much work to be done on the inside of me and that I want to bring myself whole to the relationship we will have in the future.
So, until then I pray that you are working on yourself too, that this time when we are not together is the time you take to build yourself up, to grow in your walk with Abba, to better yourself. I pray that this road to self-awareness and growth is not as painful as mine is. I pray that you are thriving in this season. I pray for your heart, your health, and your wellbeing. I pray that you would continually fall in love with Jesus and that He would perfect everything that concerns you today and every day.
I know I said I was blank when I started but I found out that with introspection I had so much to say. The one thing I know for sure—I look forward to meeting you. I will write you soon, until then I love you.
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